


everything is gray

by starkidpatronus



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Angst, Canon Era, Colors, M/M, Only Canon Death, POV Merlin, POV Third Person, POV Third Person Limited, Soulmates
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-21
Updated: 2018-12-21
Packaged: 2019-09-23 22:42:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,175
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17089124
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/starkidpatronus/pseuds/starkidpatronus
Summary: "A soul mate is not found. A soul mate is recognized." -- Vironika TugalevaArthur will always take Merlin’s breath away, and there’s nothing Merlin can do about that.





	everything is gray

**Author's Note:**

> Title taken from Halsey's "Colors."
> 
> Written for the third day of the 10 Year Merlin & Arthur Anniversary Event at merthurdaily.tumblr.com. Prompt: Colors.

                Merlin thinks black and white is all right. He thinks he’ll be fine with shades of gray being the only variation his vision has for life. Then he meets Arthur and realizes what a fool he was for ever thinking that.

                Colors are _everything_. Arthur touches Merlin, catching Merlin’s fist and twisting it behind Merlin’s back, and everything changes. For the first time, Merlin sees the soft blue of the sky, the brown of the earth beneath his feet, the bright red of Arthur’s shirt. It all happens in a flash, so quickly Merlin almost think he’s imagined it. But how can be imagine that which he has no basis for imagining?

                For a while, Merlin thinks it’s a mistake. No way could his soulmate be _such_ a prat. Someone else must have touched him and he just hadn’t noticed.

                But Arthur shines. He shines the way Merlin has always been told his soulmate would when he finally saw them in color. Every time Arthur walks into a room, Merlin’s eyes instantly go to him. And Merlin cannot pull them away. The blue of Arthur’s eyes, the gold of Arthur’s hair, the red of his lips—it’s all intoxicating.

                Overtime, Merlin sees the ways they fit together, the ways that prove Arthur really is The One. He notices the rhythms they fall into together, the easy give-and-take between them. When they’re alone together, Merlin finds a certain peace he’s never found before. Arthur makes everything brighter. And not just because of the colors.

                But Arthur makes no sign that he sees colors too. Yes, he treats Merlin like a friend, and there are even moments when he treats Merlin like he’s more than that. But it’s never quite enough. It’s crumbs, while Merlin is craving a four-course meal.

                Merlin’s heard of this phenomenon, of someone being a person’s soulmate, but that person not being that someone’s soulmate. It’s rare, but it happens. Of course it would happen to Merlin.

                The point is proven when Arthur proposes to Gwen.

                Suddenly, Arthur cannot stop talking about colors. He’s known Gwen for years; certainly she touched him before Merlin ever did. But he must not have felt comfortable talking about the fact that he saw in color before everything was certain with the engagement.

                During the wedding, Merlin wishes his world was still in black and white. For all the joy color has brought him, it brings him just that much pain now. The deep purple of Gwen’s gown. The signature Pendragon red of Arthur’s cloak. The gold of their wedding bans. It’s all so beautiful.

                Merlin is sick for a day afterwards.

                The worst part is, Merlin still sees colors best with Arthur. He cannot escape. It’s hell. Arthur will always take Merlin’s breath away, and there’s nothing Merlin can do about that.

                There are still moments, though, moments when it feels like Arthur might at least have _some_ feelings for Merlin. When they join hands to make oaths and Merlin loses all sense. When they share a room while away on a diplomatic mission and Gwen stays home. When he’s dressing Arthur. And undressing Arthur.

                Those are dangerous thoughts, though, and Merlin is always quick to push them away.

                And when Arthur is dying in his arms, Merlin wonders if he’ll lose the ability to see colors now. It would be a blessing. Because watching the man he loves die in full coloration is by the far the most painful thing he has ever endured. It’s all crystal clear, the contrast of his pale hand in Arthur’s blond hair, the white of Arthur’s teeth against the red of Arthur’s mouth as he gasps for breath, the fading blue of his eyes that has always been so alive. Merlin is breaking more and more by the second.

                “I want to tell you something,” Arthur whispers.

                “Yes, anything,” Merlin breathes back. “Arthur, please.”

                Arthur just looks at Merlin for a moment before saying, “I’ve seen in color since the day I met you. When I first—”

                “Took me down with one move,” Merlin rushes to finish, not believing it yet knowing it’s true more than he’s ever known anything in his life.

                Arthur huffs out what might be a laugh if he had the strength for it. “Yeah.”

                Merlin nods back, still choking on his sobs. “Me too.”

                Arthur gives a small nod, like he hadn’t expected anything different. “I’m sorry.”

                “No, no,” Merlin says, cupping Arthur’s cheek. “No, you have nothing to be sorry for. You have given me the best of my life, Arthur.”

                “And you mine.” Arthur pulls Merlin down to press their lips together; Merlin gives in entirely. He holds on as long as Arthur does, closing his eyes—he doesn’t need colors for this moment. It’s everything worth feeling all at once. It’s every high and low they’ve ever had, every fight, every laugh, every stolen moment, every knowing look, every whispered promise of devotion, every “I love you” never said. Every color under the sun.

                Arthur pulls back, gasping for breath and groaning at the pain in his side. Merlin hushes him and coos, doing all he can to bring comfort.

                Arthur pierces Merlin with those incredibly blue eyes for what Merlin knows will be the last time. “Thank you.”

                “Please don’t say goodbye,” Merlin begs through tears, even as he knows Arthur has no choice. Hand still in Arthur’s hair, he whispers, “Stay with me.”

                Arthur’s eyelashes flutter, then freeze. Arthur’s eyes are still open. Still blue, but empty.

                Empty.

                Over the course of countless centuries, emptiness and Merlin become very good friends. The colors are still there, but muted. Everything is muted.

                He was a fool to ever think living without color was a life worth living.

                With the loss of color, goes his full ability to feel. He would feel guilty about his total apathy, but that’s all muted too now. His only relief is in his memories, and those only make reality worse.

                People try to brighten his life, try to paint it with the colors Arthur did. Merlin appreciates the efforts. But he knows it’s all futile.

                “Merlin, do you see in color?” Kim asks one day. She’s an employee at the bookstore where he works.

                “Yes,” Merlin answers evenly.

                “Then _why_ are you single?” Kim pushes.

                “It’s complicated.”

                “Complicated _how?_ ”

                Merlin sighs, the weight of over a thousand years in it. “I could not begin to explain that to you.”

                Kim apparently takes the hint; she backs off for a few minutes. But then she’s back at it, only to say, “You should be allowed to be happy, even if you can’t be with them.”

                And that thought helps a little. It really does. Things get a little brighter after that. He sees fields of flowers partly for what they are. He even watches a sunset a week later and nearly cries.

                Life goes on. Merlin goes on as well as he can.

                But he refuses to stop chasing the high of those impossibly blue eyes.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! I think I'd like to do a lot more with this AU in the future; this is sort of a trial-run for a longer version of this fic in the future. Be sure to leave kudos and a comment if you enjoyed! If you have any questions or requests, I can be reached at thewriternotthemuse.tumblr.com. <3


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